Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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