The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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