im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize