Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
