You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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