genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
