I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
