The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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