I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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