I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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