I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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