Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
