My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
