just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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