My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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