I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
