the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
