is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
