no, he came in my armpit
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
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Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
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I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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