You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
