a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
