I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
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