And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
