I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
