Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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