My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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