She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
