Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
