I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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