I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
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We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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