someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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