Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Who died my cat blue again?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
