GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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