so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
