I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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