Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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