Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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