I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
