I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
