Who wears a wallet chain?!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
