I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists