Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
