I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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