thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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