News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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