I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
