hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
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I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
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I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably