This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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