omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
