I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
