I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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