So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
