Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
