I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
