Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
